These Are The Best Things

Best might have been an overstatement

Possible Need for an Amber Alert

There are a lot of things which I would like to publicly address about the Lifetime television series, Dance Moms. None of those things are that it is exploitative or wrong; so this is probably not a bandwagon you want to associate yourself with if you have a moral agenda. My moral agendas are rare and they never have to do with Lifetime because that network is nothing if not my favorite kind of morally ambiguous.

I think Dance Moms is genius. Abby Lee Miller is pure Machiavellian Evil and despite having a name that could go on a box of snack-cakes, once you see her, you know…there is no such sugary sweetness inside her. Although, equating her to a zebra cake probably wouldn’t be far off.

If you haven’t ever seen Dance Moms – first, get that DVR on lock, “series recording,” fo real - it is a reality television show set in Pittsburgh, aka, The Champion City. Indeed, it centers around miniature champions: a group of very talented little girl dancers, averaged age nine. And by “centers around,” I mean they are pawns for the real stars, their mothers, who wear more bejeweled blouses with important sleeves than you can find in a four-story Forever 21. Most of these little girls, it seems do not really love to dance, despite their talent. Take it from six year old McKenzie…

She just wants to eat chips. Don’t we all, McKenzie? I often find myself thinking variations of this phrase at work. “I don’t want to make this media plan/write this email/go to work at all, I just want to stay and home and eat chips.”

The particular point I have been dwelling on today has less to do with the overall theme of Dance Moms and more to do with a specific suspicion about my favorite character, Vivi-Anne. Vivi, of all the dancers, has the least interest in dance, emotions, or expressing herself via spoken word. I’m not positive that she even knows she is at a dance studio half the time. I’m not making any accusations (they make themselves), but I would not be surprised to learn her mother is drugging her. There is no life in her eyes. This is probably where my concern should lie, but it does not.

My real question The only question is: Are Vivi and MJ’s son, Blanket, the same person???

This is not a flippant observation of resemblance. There are one too many coincidences for this not to be 100% true.

  1. Vivi’s father is quite pointedly never mentioned. She could not look less like her mother, Cathy (who, if evil could be reincarnated, after already having been reincarnated as AbbyLeeMiller – it would be Cathy. She has zero redeeming qualities except entertainment value).

  2. This little-lifeless one is a. adopted, b. has a father with VERY dominant genes; genes that make it seem as though Cathy had nothing to do with her entrance into the world. Genes that would make her father Michael Jackson.

  3. Blanket and Vivi (referencing him/her as two people for clarity’s sake) have the same personality of a sullen 80 year old shut-in. They show the same disinterest in show business, and yet are both thrust in the limelight.
  4. Blanket’s mother has been said to be a Mexican nurse. I’m not saying this isn’t true. I’m just suggesting that Cathy kidnaps Blanket on occasion and makes him go by Vivi-Anne and dance. Vivi does not dance well. It is not a far stretch that she could be a little boy with zero dance training, forced to put on a bee costume and wiggle around stage.

I’m looking for answers, here. How does Cathy get Blanket to Pittsburgh? Is Cathy Blanket’s mother? Or is MJ Vivi’s father? Or both? What does Paris think of all of this?

Please, someone, help me get to the bottom of this. I promise, this show is worth your time: there is athleticism; there is talent; there is great dancing; there is plenty of drama; but, most importantly, there is Abby Lee Miller.

 Every Tuesday @ 9:00 ya’ll.

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